Of Ranting...

I'm the youngest and my eldest brother is handicapped, unable to walk/talk/eat solid foods and my other brother died at birth. This makes me the "hope and future" for my family. I graduated high school at the top of my class because I was yelled at if my grades were any lower than A's. I graduated college Valedictorian and when I got my job, I only missed one day of work due to weather.

I was laid off on December 23rd and still haven't found employment. Not due to lack of trying, but my mum keeps telling me that I'm slacking, that I'm not trying hard enough. Hell, I put in four applications in twenty minutes one afternoon. I put in two applications Saturday, and all in all it's been about 15-20 applications in a month's time.

Both my parents support my music career, but they aren't willing to help me by being my manager. My dad works two days a week and makes more than I made in two weeks time. It isn't like he doesn't have the time. I bought my own car, I pay the insurance, my phone/internet bill, and I don't eat much. I've loaned them almost all of my money and my bank account is now down to $600.

Both my cousins on my mum's side are younger than me and heavier than me. My grandparents favour them and always have. If I gain any weight whatsoever, they tell me I'm getting fat. If I lose weight, I'm too thin and need to eat more. My grandmother tells me I'll never be a successful singer, even though that's all I've ever wanted, I have a demo CD recorded and another in the works, and I've performed numerous times for various events. I even have a radio DJ coming to watch me sing in June. I know I can do it, I just need someone to give me the chance.

When my dad accidentally saw the cuts on my legs, he said "Why in hell would you do that? Your life is too good for that shit.". Hence the reason I hide the fresh cuts and my ED. I'd hate to see how he'd react to that...Yes, I have a good life compared to most. My parents never hit me, they aren't drug addicts/alcoholics or anything like that. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel pain or that my pain doesn't matter.