Of Fasting and Worries

I've fasted the past two days.
I hope to continue for the rest of this week.
Saturday and Sunday are the days when I allow myself to eat one thing I've been craving and then nothing else.
I've been re-reading my copy of Portia de Rossi's novel Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain and I realise how many of Portia's habits are similar, if not the same, to my own.
I'm beginning to get truly worried about certain things.
Half of the time, I cannot remember what I did the day before, or an hour ago.
I sometimes have to think about it for long periods of time before the answer will become clear to me.

Am I losing the ability to distinguish fantasy from reality?
I have already decided what my reward will be for reaching my goal weight.
I'm getting a new tattoo, either a black swan or a cross.
Mark and I went to see the film the Black Swan Saturday, and it was amazing.
I loved it and when it comes out on DVD, I plan on buying it.

I'm still looking for a job, but I heard from Arthur today.
He said he thought they were going to keep me and that he fought Nina for me.
I'm also on their re-hire list, so if (God forbid) I haven't found another job by the next peak season, I'm going to apply again.
These comments made me feel better.

I feel like I'm losing myself.
As if the woman I used to be is gone
And now a wretched bitch has taken her place.
As if, with each passing day, I become more and more unstable.
I want to feel something other than the pain, guilt and worthlessness.
And the days go by
Like a strand in the wind
In the web that is my own
I begin again

The voices of Ana and Mia...
The beloved friends
The hated tormentors
The harsh rebuttals
The sweet, yet uncommon embraces
They determine my mood
They predict the amount of self-loathing I feel from day to day

The most complex and believable illusions are not the ones made by magic, but by our own minds.
But they are also the most painful when they shatter...