Never Again

30th August, 2011.

A year and twenty-one days since the storm. Not a storm of nature, but one much more dangerous. Though I'm not sure how, I survived. Now, not only am I alive, but I am also living again.

You'll never read this. You won't even see it. Never know it was written. In some ways, I am thankful. In others, a part of me wishes you would. Just so you would know.

09th January, 2010.

My world crashed and burned. You walked away from me when I needed you most. You left me to die, not caring that I probably would. It seems I was stronger than I realised
.
I still thought of you. Still loved you. I still wanted to feel your arms around me. To hear you say you loved me. I still needed you. I don't need you, and I don't even want you anymore. A part of me will always love you, but never again will I let it haunt me.

11th, December, 2010.

I was going to try again with someone new. Someone that was a great friend, and that truly cared about me. His parents, however, had other plans, and my own fell through. My hope was destroyed again.

I should have known better than to let myself hope that he would make your memory disappear. I still compared him to you, and while he was an  improvement, there were still things about you that I missed. I still dreamt of you, still woke shaking in the night, missing you.

 23rd, July, 2011.

It lasted two weeks. Exactly two weeks. He reminded me of you, in some ways, but in others, he was much worse. It was more than I could handle, so I ended it. We still talk, we're somewhat friends, and I don't regret my decision for a moment.

I never meant to hurt him, and seeing that brought back all the pain of what we had been through. All the pain I had caused you and maybe still do. I felt terrible for hurting him, but I had decided to follow my heart and do what was best for myself.
06th August, 2011.

I decided to give it another try. With someone else this time. He is sweet, supportive, and caring. He doesn't say much, and in that way, he''s like you were in the beginning. I hope that, like you, he'll open up to me more with time.

Things are moving slower than they used to, but I think this is what I need. Someone that understands and is willing to be with me in spite of everything. I need someone that will love me, just as I am. Someone that isn't afraid to stand up to me and tell me when I'm wrong, but that will support me when I'm right.

30th August, 2011.

A year and 21 days, and I'm still sober. I don't crave your touch, your lips, your voice like I used to. I'm no longer addicted to you. I know now that I can live without you.

While I'm battling other addictions, the one that I thought would haunt me forever is now gone. I will never be rid of the scars you left, but I am free. For the first time, I can stand on my own and not waver. Never again will I see you. Never again will I miss you. Never again will I kiss you. Never again will I want to. Never again will I love you. Never again.

Explanations

To anyone reading this, my only request is that you read with an open mind. I know for some of you, this may be difficult, but try. Have you ever looked at yourself and thought that you looked good? Have you ever thought that you deserved to be happy? Have you ever looked at yourself, seen what you truly are, and been pleased?

 For some of you, the answer is yes. Some may have never really considered it. For me, the answer is simple. No. I’ve looked at myself and thought that on some days I looked decent. I’ve never thought I deserved to be happy, and the reason for this is given in the answer to the last question. I’ve looked at myself, deeply and intently, and I hated what I saw. I know what I really am, and no, I’m not happy with it.

 What do I see? In the physical sense, I see the body that is too short; the thighs that are too huge, the wide hips, the small breasts, the face that I would love to destroy in the same way as I destroyed the mirror…by putting my fist through it. The only thing I even remotely like are my eyes. In another sense, I see the girl that is a perfectionist, never satisfied with her work, the one that longs for affection and praise, but always falls short (no pun intended), the girl that hates herself because she never has been, and never will be, good enough.

 So now I ask you, all of you: what do you see? Not when you look at me, but when you look at yourself. Someone once asked me, and not too long ago, why I couldn’t eat the cake I had at my party. I couldn’t tell them the truth, but I’m almost certain it was there in my eyes. I couldn’t tell them that I would rather swallow glass than have that delicious cake contaminate my body. To all of you that say this is a way of seeking attention, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Do I display the scars that I’ve created with the blade in my room? Do I walk around in skin-tight clothing, demanding that everyone admire me? No. I deliberately hide everything. The only ones who truly know why I’m this way are the others like me. And even they don’t completely understand. Every story is different, but the ending is the same regardless.

Relationships are almost impossible, and I’m not just talking about romantic ones. Those I am around every day have noticed my alienation, my distance, and those I am closest to will try to break through the walls every now and then. The one I am with in the romantic sense, however, is the one I feel most sorry for. How can I expect him to understand? How can I expect him to endure all the things that a relationship with me will put him through?

Should I even try? I don’t know. I will try, however, because when it’s all said and done, I am very selfish. I admit it. I want to be with someone, to have them hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I want to be able to have someone kiss me and feel like I deserved to be loved. Is that so much to ask? In some ways, I suppose it is. Still, I’ll hold my tongue, keep my head high and smile through this painted mask of cheerfulness. And I’ll keep fighting until it is no longer a mask or a dream, but a reality.

Weak. Fat. Scars.

Well, as a result of my being so weak these past few days and binging, I now have two new words carved into my skin.

weak//fat

As a constant reminder of my failure, I have taken pictures of them. As if having them forever on my legs isn't enough. For my weak fatass, it may not be enough. Someone help me.

You left me here all alone to take matters into my own hands, and I just might burn in Hell.

Benefits, concerns, and other ramblings

Well, I'm currently dating Jace Newton (he works at Wal-Mart), and so far things are going good. I'm more comfortable around him than I was with Dustin, but I'm afraid that when he realises I have so many issues, he'll leave. I don't know if he'd be able to handle them. I'm so tired of having to worry about things like this, but I can't help it.

In other newss, I had a migraine for three days straight, went to the doctor, and he gave me pills to make it go away. Unfortunately, these pills are so addictive that I am only allowed three a week at most. Is he trying to make me worse? I haven't taken any yet, and I know I shouldn't, because I know how easy it is for me to become an addict. Even so, those little white pills are calling my name. God, help me.

Of Birthdays and such

Well, yesterday was Matt's 17th birthday, Kaleigh Jo's 14th birthday, and my 20th birthday. I had a planned binge to celebrate, but I couldn't even bring myself to go through with it. Next week, there's another charity benefit I'm singing at, and the next weekend is my Star Wars party. I've been working mandatory overtime for the past two weeks, and now we have to work from 09:00-13:00 today. It's only four hours, so it's not that bad, and I'm going to love it when I see my paycheck. My first paycheck was $666.58 and I hated that the numbers were 666. Oh well. In other news, Bits and Pieces is changing a bit, mainly the colour of Joan's hair. Since mine isn't black anymore, neither is Joan's. Luckily, her hair colour isn't that significant.

I'm going on another date with Jace tomorrow. If it doesn't rain, we're going to the park. Yes, the same park where Erin and I did promo shots. Speaking of Erin, she seems to not want to talk to me, and when she does, she seems annoyed with everything I say. Hopefully she's just tired and I haven't done something to piss her off. Anyway, since I have to get ready to leave, this is all I will write for now. Have a great day, my lovlies!

Voices

The voices inside my head are driving me mad. They always say the same thing, and they're beginning to sound like not only myself, but my friends, family and boyfriend. I wish they would just shut up.

stupid//fat//ugly//worthless//failure.

They whisper that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, and that I never will be.  I can't shut them out, no matter how hard I try. When I take the blade across my skin, the sins of the day slowly drip away, making my body pure once more, and when I purge, through the pain and struggle, I know that it will bring bittersweet relief. yet still the voices torment me. They weave a tangled web of thorns that pierce my skin and pull me under. I cannot escape, and I'm afraid of falling into the depths of darkness completely.

Does anyone else feel this way, or am I completely losing it??

Of good break-ups and benefits

Well, Dustin and I are over. After a fight that started last night and carried over until 09:00, I decided to end it. I can't be with someone who doesn't accept me the way I am. In short, we had an argument about the karaoke benefit I'm singing at tonight. He said he'd go, then later said he didn't want to go. Okay, that's fine. Our conversation?

Me: If you don't want to go, just tell me, love.
Dustin: I mean, I don't want to go, but I want to see you.
Me: If you don't want to go, then don't go. It's your choice.
Dustin: ....gee, thanks.
Me: I can't make you go, and if you're going to be miserable, then there's no point. It may sound bitchy, but there's no other way to say it. I guess you're not going. I wanted you to, but okay.
Dustin: I stopped wanting to go when you said something bitchy with the excuse that there's no other way to say it.
Me: All I said was if you don't want to go, then don't go.
Dustin: Stop being so aggressive!
Me: If I say what I think, I'm being aggressive and I offend you.
Dustin: I'm more offended if you don't say what you think.
Me: Then I can't win for losing.
Dustin: So what do you want to do?
Me: I think we need to take some time to see if we can even be friends without killing each other.
Dustin: Okay.

I'm not sad about it. If he can't handle me the way I am, it's better to know now. I'm not going to censor myself for anyone. In other news, there's a karaoke benefit for a little boy who was diagnosed with cancer. I hope it goes well! Can't wait to break out my new microphone!