Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. One of the benefit concerts was last Saturday, and videos are now on YouTube. I'm still working on chapter three of OoTS, but after a major bout of writer's block, my muse has paid me a visit again. I told Arthur about what happened with Jonathen, and there's a guy named Jace that works at Wal-Mart that seems really nice. Whether he has a girlfriend or not, I don't know. I'd just like to be his friend. He always orders the same sandwich when he comes in Subway: 6-inch wheat bread, buffalo chicken, not toasted, with black olives, tomatoes and mayonnaise. He usually gets cookies too. I've gotten to where I can remember the regulars and what they order, so it's not that bad.
In other news, my brother Josh is coming home Friday. For those who don't know, I'm the youngest of three kids. My eldest brother is 22, handicapped (in a wheelchair, mute, immobile, feeding tube, etc.) and was born that way. My other brother Justin, born weighing 14 ounces (I'm not joking) died 20 minutes after birth. He would have been 21 this year. I was born 3 months early, weighing in at 1lb. 3ounces, 11 inches. Well, there's my history. Josh doesn't live with us, he lives with a couple named Jane and Terry, who took him after he was too old to live at the Home of the Innocents, so his visits are rare, and always looked forward to. Can't wait. I'm so excited! Well, I'll try to write again soon. No promises, though.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Shatter
This is the dream I had last night.
I don't know where we are or how we got here. More importantly, I don't know why you're with me. Last I checked, you hated me and refused to even look at me. Every detail about you is exactly the way I remember it, except your hair is short. You cut it awhile back, I remember. Your eyes are just as beautiful, your smile just as captivating.
I run my fingers through your hair and realise my memory didn't do it justice. It's silky, soft and dark. Only now there's less to entwine my fingers in. You pull me in your arms and I lean back against your chest. This is not unfamiliar. We've lain this way countless times before, and I wait for what is sure to happen next.
You lean forward, and just before I feel your lips touch mine, you pull away, that all-too familiar smirk on your face. As always, I sigh impatiently and wait to see how long this will continue. After a few seconds, I decide to act and I wrap my arm around you and pull you closer, savouring the moment when our lips meet. This is even better than I remember, more wonderful than I could have thought possible.
My eyes open to the sounds of my television in the dark room. My body is shaking and as I feel the pillow beneath my head and the crisp sheets under my fingers, it suddenly hits me. I feel the tears threaten to fall, and I turn over, hoping that I can escape this in some way. Even after almost two years of your absence, you're still in my thoughts, invading my dreams. I feel the last piece of my heart shatter.
I don't know where we are or how we got here. More importantly, I don't know why you're with me. Last I checked, you hated me and refused to even look at me. Every detail about you is exactly the way I remember it, except your hair is short. You cut it awhile back, I remember. Your eyes are just as beautiful, your smile just as captivating.
I run my fingers through your hair and realise my memory didn't do it justice. It's silky, soft and dark. Only now there's less to entwine my fingers in. You pull me in your arms and I lean back against your chest. This is not unfamiliar. We've lain this way countless times before, and I wait for what is sure to happen next.
You lean forward, and just before I feel your lips touch mine, you pull away, that all-too familiar smirk on your face. As always, I sigh impatiently and wait to see how long this will continue. After a few seconds, I decide to act and I wrap my arm around you and pull you closer, savouring the moment when our lips meet. This is even better than I remember, more wonderful than I could have thought possible.
My eyes open to the sounds of my television in the dark room. My body is shaking and as I feel the pillow beneath my head and the crisp sheets under my fingers, it suddenly hits me. I feel the tears threaten to fall, and I turn over, hoping that I can escape this in some way. Even after almost two years of your absence, you're still in my thoughts, invading my dreams. I feel the last piece of my heart shatter.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Losing and Working
I've lost a pound (down to 92.0lbs) and I'm eating only "safe foods" until I reach 70lbs. My list of safe foods includes (but is not limited to):
Right now I'm talking to my younger cousin Caitlynn and we're talking about boys. She's only in 8th grade, but she's very smart and I know she'll be a great doctor someday. I haven't seen her or her sister Madisynn since Christmas Eve, and I kind of miss them. I'm definitely making plans with them during the summer.
I've fought another day. Lose another chance to break away from all I cannot bear. Suffer through the shame, wishing hope would just abandon me, until this is over. My loveless life, I'm lost in you tonight, waiting for you to turn around only to tear the whole world down. My darkest night, your arms that hold me tight. Waiting for you to turn around, only to tear the whole world down. Time and time again, take it all and take the fall for you. Fear is all I hold. Bound and beaten down, all the pain I can't escape today is always with me.
- Pickles
- Egg whites
- Crushed ice
- Salsa
- Mustard
- Lettuce
- Red grapes
- Apples (on occasion. I'm not very fond of them)
- Celery (again, not very fond of it)
- Soup (1 full serving at MOST)
- Ice cream
- Dairy products
- Bread
- Pasta
- Chocolate (unless it's the only thing I eat that day)
- Crisps
- Soda
Right now I'm talking to my younger cousin Caitlynn and we're talking about boys. She's only in 8th grade, but she's very smart and I know she'll be a great doctor someday. I haven't seen her or her sister Madisynn since Christmas Eve, and I kind of miss them. I'm definitely making plans with them during the summer.
I've fought another day. Lose another chance to break away from all I cannot bear. Suffer through the shame, wishing hope would just abandon me, until this is over. My loveless life, I'm lost in you tonight, waiting for you to turn around only to tear the whole world down. My darkest night, your arms that hold me tight. Waiting for you to turn around, only to tear the whole world down. Time and time again, take it all and take the fall for you. Fear is all I hold. Bound and beaten down, all the pain I can't escape today is always with me.
Friday, March 18, 2011
You Didn't See
This was just something I decided to write as a way of talking myself out of suicide.
Unfortunately, I had to invent a boyfriend for the main character since I don't have one.
Hope you enjoy:
You stare numbly at the wall, trying desperately not to feel. You know that you've changed, you can see that the person you used to be is fading. She will soon be gone, lost in the swirling vortex of your shattered mind. You've planned it all out. There will be only two options. You know that there is no logical reason for feeling this way, but you can't control it.
You remember the way he looked. You remember that all-too-familiar look of lust in his eyes. But you also remember the gentle way he held you, the way his eyes looked when he whispered your name. No lust, just love, compassion, and patience. You remember the way you fought. Yet through it all you love him and you wouldn't ever do anything to hurt him.
After all, that's what this is all about. You're doing this to save him from the pain. You hear the voices in your head that whisper you don't deserve to live.
-Face it, April, you don't deserve him. You never did.-
You can see how much better off they'll all be when you're gone. You can see that you never really had a choice, not really. It was always meant to end this way. You can see yourself swallowing the pills, or filling the bathtub with ice water to numb your wrists before slicing through them, you can see the blood dripping into the water, turning pink.
How ironic. You always hated pink. You were so ambitious. You had dreams, goals, a bright future. You were a young woman who had so much to offer. Now you've become this instead. This pale shadow, a mere imitation of the woman known as April. You wonder if he's noticed the changes, or if they've been too gradual for him to see.
You can see the note you will leave, written on the mirror with whatever you can lay your slender fingers on. You can see your long dark hair framing your porcelain face, staring into emerald eyes filled with disgust. You can see the pain reflected in the unshed tears clinging to ebony lashes.
You didn't see the way he rushed in, screaming your name until he was hoarse. You didn't see the way he cradled your lifeless body in his arms until the paramedics pried him away. You didn't see the sleepless nights he would spend for almost a year wondering how he could have saved you or done something to help ease your pain. You didn't see the way he blamed himself for the rest of his life.
Unfortunately, I had to invent a boyfriend for the main character since I don't have one.
Hope you enjoy:
You stare numbly at the wall, trying desperately not to feel. You know that you've changed, you can see that the person you used to be is fading. She will soon be gone, lost in the swirling vortex of your shattered mind. You've planned it all out. There will be only two options. You know that there is no logical reason for feeling this way, but you can't control it.
You remember the way he looked. You remember that all-too-familiar look of lust in his eyes. But you also remember the gentle way he held you, the way his eyes looked when he whispered your name. No lust, just love, compassion, and patience. You remember the way you fought. Yet through it all you love him and you wouldn't ever do anything to hurt him.
After all, that's what this is all about. You're doing this to save him from the pain. You hear the voices in your head that whisper you don't deserve to live.
-Face it, April, you don't deserve him. You never did.-
You can see how much better off they'll all be when you're gone. You can see that you never really had a choice, not really. It was always meant to end this way. You can see yourself swallowing the pills, or filling the bathtub with ice water to numb your wrists before slicing through them, you can see the blood dripping into the water, turning pink.
How ironic. You always hated pink. You were so ambitious. You had dreams, goals, a bright future. You were a young woman who had so much to offer. Now you've become this instead. This pale shadow, a mere imitation of the woman known as April. You wonder if he's noticed the changes, or if they've been too gradual for him to see.
You can see the note you will leave, written on the mirror with whatever you can lay your slender fingers on. You can see your long dark hair framing your porcelain face, staring into emerald eyes filled with disgust. You can see the pain reflected in the unshed tears clinging to ebony lashes.
You didn't see the way he rushed in, screaming your name until he was hoarse. You didn't see the way he cradled your lifeless body in his arms until the paramedics pried him away. You didn't see the sleepless nights he would spend for almost a year wondering how he could have saved you or done something to help ease your pain. You didn't see the way he blamed himself for the rest of his life.
You didn't see that this would destroy him…
…and that was what mattered most of all.
Gained. Fuck.
93lbs.
Fuck.
This is fucking ridiculous. I've been restricting and I've been on my feet running back and forth for three weeks and I've gained. What's with that? I'm such a fucking failure. My meal plan for today:
Fuck.
This is fucking ridiculous. I've been restricting and I've been on my feet running back and forth for three weeks and I've gained. What's with that? I'm such a fucking failure. My meal plan for today:
- Egg white
- Crushed ice
- Coffee (if Dad left any in the pot)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
New Song, Chapters, and Various Happenings
I've written a new song ("Wait Forever") that I'm very proud of. I'm also working on chapter 3 of OotS, but with my work schedule, it's been difficult to write the way I used to. I'm also making more graphics for various uses, and I've coloured my hair. It's now dark brown (but right now appears black), and it looks much healthier. I know it needs to be cut, but I really can't afford it...at least not until I get paid.
Speaking of getting paid, my schedule is horrid this week. I'm off today, Friday and Monday, Thursday and Saturday I work from 12:00-20:00. Sunday I work from 17:00-22:00. I hate Subway so much. It's really not even the job itself, it's the bitches I work with. The guys are fine, we get along well, but the women...the only one I really like is Priscilla. I've only worked with her twice so far, but she doesn't act like she knows everything or as if I'm worthless.
I cut my hand at work yesterday in a desperate attempt to leave early (pathetic, I know.) and so now my left palm has a lovely little cut running through it. It wasn't deep and barely bleed, but hey...I was rushed for time. I only ate a pretzel (220) yesterday, and today I've had meatballs (150) and toast (100). I don't know what I'll eat for dinner, I may possibly tell Mum that I've eaten a salad and not have her bring me anything. I'll just have to wait and see. Wish me luck!
Speaking of getting paid, my schedule is horrid this week. I'm off today, Friday and Monday, Thursday and Saturday I work from 12:00-20:00. Sunday I work from 17:00-22:00. I hate Subway so much. It's really not even the job itself, it's the bitches I work with. The guys are fine, we get along well, but the women...the only one I really like is Priscilla. I've only worked with her twice so far, but she doesn't act like she knows everything or as if I'm worthless.
I cut my hand at work yesterday in a desperate attempt to leave early (pathetic, I know.) and so now my left palm has a lovely little cut running through it. It wasn't deep and barely bleed, but hey...I was rushed for time. I only ate a pretzel (220) yesterday, and today I've had meatballs (150) and toast (100). I don't know what I'll eat for dinner, I may possibly tell Mum that I've eaten a salad and not have her bring me anything. I'll just have to wait and see. Wish me luck!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Tiredness, Success, and Irritability
I've been really tired lately, a result of work I know, but that doesn't stop me from getting easily irritated. Good news though. One of my songs was accepted by Nashville Songs, and they want to produce it. Anyway, I work from 12-8pm today, and I'm off tomorrow, so hopefully my week will start off better.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Stress, Tears, and Pain
This week has bee so stressful. I began a new job Wednesday, and then last night I got a new puppy. He's a year and a half old and my other dog is three years old. They're both Dachshunds, and my first dog won't leave the new one alone, even to sleep. I've been awake since 06:00 yesterday and I just got out of the shower a few minutes ago.
It's also my time of the month, so my hormones are all fucked up and I'm really emotional. I started crying in the shower because I'm so tired, stressed and the hunger pains are really bad right now. I just needed someone to talk to, so this is my solution. It just seems like no one even notices or cares. I feel so alone.
It's also my time of the month, so my hormones are all fucked up and I'm really emotional. I started crying in the shower because I'm so tired, stressed and the hunger pains are really bad right now. I just needed someone to talk to, so this is my solution. It just seems like no one even notices or cares. I feel so alone.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Well...
My first day of work went great. I didn't fuck anything up (surprisingly) and the work schedule isn't horrendous. I do with it was a set schedule, but it changes daily. Fortunately, the rest of the days I work this week (tomorrow and Saturday) and Tuesday, I'm working 08:00-16:00. I worked from 09:00 to 16:00 today.
My calorie intake for today was 70cals. I'm sitting here fighting a binge though. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need the food I'm craving. Must. Not. Eat. Must. Not. Eat.
My calorie intake for today was 70cals. I'm sitting here fighting a binge though. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need the food I'm craving. Must. Not. Eat. Must. Not. Eat.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wine dripping darkness
I know you're out there. I know you hear me, the waves of my brain flooding out into the telepathic seas, coaxing you. I know you hear the pleas, so often, to be freed from the mundane world and brought into the darkness. Sickly sweet, honey and wine dripping darkness. But hear me out. I could offer so much to your world: my voice, my beauty, my mind, my hands, my body. I know I am meant to be an angel, but for your gift I would become a monster. I would leave it - them - all behind, just to walk through the mists of eternity until my body is pulled apart, burned by the sun's rays, and crushed to dust.
I know you're out there. I know you hear me...
.....so come find me.
I know you're out there. I know you hear me...
.....so come find me.
Work and Music
Well, I begin my first day of work tomorrow at 9am. I hope I don't fuck something up, but I'm not too worried. After all, unless worrying is the new way to fix something, there's no point. I sent some music to a company in Nashville last night, and I'm hoping they decide to help me advance my career. I don't expect a response for a few days though. Wish me luck!
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