Weight gain and songs

I weighed myself last night after purging dinner and showering and my weight was up to 98lbs. 98! I figured it was due to water retention and my upcoming ToM. I weighed in again this morning and it was down to 94. I don't know what's caused it, but I'm going to get it back down. My weigh fluctuates quite a bit, so hopefully once I begin working again I'll lose it again. Only one more day....

In other news, I finished writing a new song a few minutes ago. It's called Innocent Traitor. I'll post it here for your entertainment..


You walk down a darkened path
Hiding your face from prying eyes
Your face is a carefully guarded mask
Moulded by tales of misery and lies

I wonder if you even notice me
Watching you all along
Wonder how you came to be
And why you walk alone

This wasn't who you were meant to be
You were destined for something greater
Locked in this cage without a key
Left to die alone, an innocent traitor

Haunted by a past you can't control
Knowing you were meant for something greater
Compromising what is left of your soul
Left to die alone, an innocent traitor

What secrets lie behind your eyes?
What mysteries left unspoken
Pieces of yourself you try to hide
Trying to hold together though broken

You glance over your shoulder
Hoping no one sees
Your heart is growing ever colder
Left to die in a hollow tree

This wasn't who you were meant to be
You were destined for something greater
Locked in this cage without a key
Left to die alone, an innocent traitor

Haunted by a past you can't control
Knowing you were meant for something greater
Compromising what is left of your soul
Left to die alone, an innocent traitor

You walk down a darkened path
Hiding your face from prying eyes
Your face is a carefully guarded mask
Moulded by tales of misery and lies

My Vocal Chords Hate Me

I'm trying to rehearse for the upcoming Home of the Innocents charity benefit in June, and my vocal chords are not cooperating. My voice is cracking and wavering on songs I've sang a million times with no problems, and I'm really getting annoyed. Of course, everyone has their off days, so I hope it doesn't last. I've done really well with not binging today. Thank God I start work on Tuesday. Working around all that food will make me so sick of food that I won't want to eat. I don't eat much when I'm working anyway. It's official: I have to always have a job.

Of course, when I move to Nashville, I'll have to find a new job somewhere while I work on my music career. I don't care what it takes. I'll beg, I'll plead, I'll cry if necessary, but I will make it in Nashville. I know I will. I have the determination, the talent and the time to do whatever it takes. And, most of all, I believe in myself.

Purging, and My List of Men

I went to the library this morning andpicked up three novels by Alison Weir:
Innocent Traitor: A Novel of Lady Jane Grey
The Lady Elizabeth
The Lady in the Tower: The Fall of Anne Boleyn
I love Tudor history, and Anne Boleyn is my favourite queen of England. The sad fate of her beheading is just one of the many things I love learning about. She was such an intriguing woman and I wish I could have met her.

I purged for the first time in months tonight, and I hate myself for it. I was amazed at how naturally it came back to me. I can't wait until the first week of March is over. Then I won't be eating as much and I won't need to purge.

In other news, I just thought I'd list all the men I find extremely sexy and attractive (I was watching a film with John Cusack, and it came to me. Don't ask.) Here they are, in no particular order:

• Josh Groban (not only is he sexy and attractive, he has the best male singing voice I've ever heard)
• Christian Slater in the 1980's and 1990's (He aged fairly well, though)
• Harrison Ford (Han Solo, need I say more?)
• Michael Weatherly (very sexy and I love his smile)
• John Cusack (attractive man, sexy voice)
• Gerard Butler (Phantom of the Opera, anyone?)
• Johnny Depp (what kind of girl would I be if he wasn't on my list?)
• Clay Walker (cute in a country boy way)
• Gary Allan (rugged and sexy)
• Alan Rickman (has to be kind of rugged though)
• Cary Elwes (one of the best looking blondes I've seen)
• Hugh Laurie (House. 'nough said.)
• Jesse Spencer (good looking and has a hot accent)
• Shane West (what happened to him?)
• Hugh Jackman (just look at him)
• Mark Harmon (in a "silver fox" way)
• Sean Connery (just listen to his voice)
• Sam Elliot (amazingly sexy voice, and amazing eyes)

I'm sure there are some I've forgotten. I'll add to/revise the list later. If you don't know who the men are, look them up.

Jobs and Such

I got the job at Subway! Beginning next Tuesday, I am a sandwich artist. I'm so excited. Finally, things are improving. Today marks the five-year anniversary of Ashley's death. Hard to believe five years has passed. Well, so far today I've eaten a piece of toast (70) and I don't know what the rest of the day will bring. I do plan on having crushed ice again. I love it so much.

My lettuce salad made me ill last night (turns out the lettuce was beginning to spoil) so I don't feel exactly up to par just yet. Hopefully it will pass.

Job Interviews and Ashley

I had my job interview at Subway this morning. I think it went pretty well, so I think my chances are good. I really need this job. I have to start paying back my college loans in April and my bank account is getting low. Anyway, tomorrow marks the five-year anniversary of Ashley's death. I can't believe it's been that long. I loved her like a sister, and I plan on going to the cemetery tomorrow and seeing her.

Haven't eaten yet today, my weight is back up from 85lbs. to 87lbs. but I can handle that. Anything above 87 and I'll lose it. I had dinner out with Mum last night (I was a complete failure), but today is a new day. My meal plan for today?

• Egg whites (15 cals)
• Crushed ice w/Splenda (0 cals)
• Dinner? Who knows? I'll just say I'm not hungry or something.

I may let myself have a glass of milk today, but I'm not sure. Wish me luck with Subway. I'm going to be a sandwich artist! (No, seriously, that's what they're called).

Irony, Randomness, and Breaking Free

Here I am, sitting at my desk, wearing a To Write Love On Her Arms shirt and bracelet and a pair of jeans. TWLOHA is a non-profit organisation that provides help for those struggling with addictions, depression, self-injury and other problems. The irony? I'm contemplating cutting again.

The other night I cut so badly that I even went so far as to ask the girls and guys of PT for help. I was asked out by the guy sitting across from me at the mall yesterday, and I said yes. Unfortunately, I hate going to movie theatres, and I didn't know where this one was, so I couldn't go. Maybe we can meet at the mall or something this week.

In other positive news, I've finally broken free of the purging demon. It's still a struggle, but I know it's worth it in the long run. I won't stop restricting and fasting until I reach 70lbs. but at least I know now I can stop purging. I feel like I can do anything now. I am invincible.

Weakness and Walls

I'm talking to Samantha amd she just asked for my help. My advice. I don't know what to do. I don't know why she would ask for my help. I'm too weak to help anyone. I never thought that I would sink this low. My friend has been to this place...the place of unstable mind. I feel so relieved when I cut, as if all my problems are dripping away. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm not happy, haven't been for years, and no one even notices. In a way, that makes me feel proud, because all my years of theatre class have paid off, but it's also upsetting. I'm not after attention. I prefer to remain in the shadows, cloaked by the darkness.

My family has no clue that I'm doing this to myself. I hope they never find out. I know this is the worst thing I can do, but it's the only thing that makes me feel better. I'm not the same girl they once knew. I wear this mask to hide. They don't know how much pain I'm in, or where my mind is now. Even if I told them, they would think it was just another one of my "moods".

Only a few people have seen through the mask. Erin, Alan, Jonathen. Samantha has seen some of the truth, but no one has ever completely broken the walls and torn the mask away entirely. As much as I loved Alan, I still didn't let him in fully. Will I ever trust anyone enough to leave the mask and walls behind?

Phil Collins and Other Happenings

I seem to be going through a Phil Collins/Genesis phase. Of course, it's completely understandable, seeing as he's an amazing musician/singer/songwriter. I think the most beautiful song of his (that I've fallen in love with) is "Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)". It's so heartbreakingly beautiful, and I can't stop listening to it.

I've done well with restricting (with the exception Monday), and I don't know what my weight is. Probably still 87lbs. (as always). Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with Erin and Samantha to meet Blake (a guy I've been talking to), so I should be okay with my restricting. I'm planning on having a small double choc. chip frapp. and nothing else. It's my way of keeping Samantha, Erin and Blake from being suspicious (he doesn't know about my ED) without actually having to eat. It's easier to burn liquid calories anyway.

I'm still working on chapter two of OotS, and hopefully I can finish soon. I'm only going to have 20 chapters, but it's better than nothing. I can't wait until I have the complete finished product. It's going to be so exciting. Well, I'm off to write.

Blades

I just said last night how I had been strong enough to not cut. What did I do almost immediately after? Cut. Of course.
Fucking typical. Well, today is my free day, if there is such a thing for me, and I know I'll still end up burning all the calories I can.

Don't you ever feel like you're less than fucking perfect?

I know I took it out of context, but it works better as a question rather than a plea.

And the answer is, always has been, and always will be yes.

Writing, Running, Cutting

I've finished the first chapter of OotS, and I'm almost halfway through the second. I've collected photos of what I've imagined the characters to look like in my mind, and so far I'm pretty happy with how it's taking shape. My phone is fucked up right now, but that's a different story (and I don't even know what's wrong with it).

I ran a mile today (for the first time ever), but not all at once. I didn't want to risk injuring my ankle or my legs. Isn't it ironic? In a way, I've been running my whole life. I've only just recently started running literally. I love pushing myself to my limits and seeing how far I can go.

I've been fighting the urge to cut all week and thank God I've been strong enough to resist. I want a drink soo badly, but I need to cut back. I'm running a dangerous risk becoming an alcoholic and I'm not even 20 years old yet. I have an addictive personality. I hope I never want to try drugs...I'll be seriously fucked.

Starting Over...And All That Jazz

I said I was starting over.
And I did very well today.
So why is the blade still whispering my name?
Could it be that I'm alone, unemployed, and have no one to talk to?
No, it couldn't be that.
No way.

My days are spent alone, waiting for someone to call about one of the many job applications I've put it and wanting to have someone to talk to.
It doesn't have to be about anything serious, just anything to distract me.
I loved that about Jonathen.
No matter how shitty my day had been, he could always make me laugh and forget it for awhile.

I've even begun having conversations with the Stevie Nicks in my head.
Out loud.
I know the personas of these people I have in my head are probably very far from what the actual people are like, but it takes up time.
Basically every person I've ever idolised is in my head, keeping me somewhat sane.
If that is indeed what I am.
I'm beginning to doubt that, but someone once said
All the best people are mad.

I don't suffer from insanity. however.
I enjoy every minute.
Even as I sit at my desk drinking alone.
Thinking of life, love, misery, danger, and all that jazz.

Life is nothing without
Love
Hate
Pain
Hope
Misery
Joy
And all
That
Jazz

Starting Over

I'm starting over.
And this time, I'm taking it much more seriously.
As of tonight, I've had my last taste of milk.
My last swallowed taste of chocolate without purging.
I don't care what it takes.
I'll die before I see those numbers go up due to a binge.
If God's taking bets, I pray He wants to lose.

Day one, day one, start over again.

If the blade is what it takes, so be it.
It isn't as though the blade and I aren't old friends anyway.
I don't even care if my family begins to notice.
Let them.
I've struggled alone long enough.
If they notice, it's taken them far too long to see.
In the end, I guess I had to fall.

Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness, I know myself.
Always find my place among the ashes.

Blades

I'm sitting here at my desk, my television is on, my music is blasting, I have a book nearby.
All I can seem to concentrate on is the box cutter next to my phone.
If this were two years ago, I'd call Alan.
If this were two months ago, I'd call Dustin or Jonathen.
As it stands, it's not, and there's no one to call.
I'm alone.
I suppose, technically, I could call Jonathen if I weren't such a coward.
I don't want to risk Casey answering his phone and making his life worse.
Besides, what right do I have to ask for his help?

God, Jonathen, I miss you.

I need you.

Took the Time (Song)

Innocent and beautiful, the gypsy sways
She swirls alone so gracefully
Lost in the web she has made
Heading for a fall she cannot see

She's losing herself slowly
Does she really care?
No one knows where she's going
All that matters is that she gets there.

She says You think you know so much about me
Well, think again, 'cause you're wrong
I've been through more pain than one pair of eyes should see
Sung my fair amount of sad songs

It's there for you to see
You don't have to look very hard
If you ever took the time to look at me
It's there in the scars

She knows her demons will find her
Simply hiding them away
Shawls and lace wrap around her
Consuming her while the moon holds her sway

The velvet blanket of darkness falls
Shadows bury her alive
Heeding the warning of her heart's call
Knowing there's no place to hide

She says "You think you know so much about me
Well, think again, 'cause you're wrong
I've been through more pain than one pair of eyes should see
Sung my fair amount of sad songs

It's there for you to see
You don't have to look very hard
If you ever took the time to look at me
It's there in the scars

F**k!!!!!!

Fuck.
Fuck.
I cut again.
I thought I was clean.
I thought I had managed to stop.
I thought wrong.

Fuck.

They aren't deep, but they'll scar.
Yes, I've had a bit to drink, but not even an entire glass.
I filled my blue plastic wine glass with coconut rum and diet Pepsi.
It's only half-full.
I'm not even buzzed.
I can't even use alcohol as an excuse.
What is wrong with me??

Of Coffee, Dishes and Gypsy's

So....it's that time again.
The three days of every month that I dread.
Which, of course, means the chocolate cravings, cramps, back pain, irritability and overall extreme hunger are back.
I'm sitting at my desk, drinking a cup of black coffee with cinammon and preparing to write.
I've been getting on my own nerves lately, mainly because I have to have certain dishes for certain things.

• Chocolate milk--The plastic martini glass and allow myself no more than the glass will hold.
• Regular milk--The indigo plastic cup that I got in third or fourth grade.
• Coffee--The black coffee mug with the red horseman
• Chew/Spit ritual--The little green plastic bowl that no one ever uses for anything
• Toast--The smallest thinest plates we own
• Spoons--When mixing something, I use straight-handled spoons, when eating with them, I use curved handled spoons.

During family meals I have to eat everything seperately on my plate, starting with the healthiest/lowest calorie and eating as slowly as possible and drinking shit-tons of water (for obvious reasons).
I want to find chopsticks to eat with, because I know I can't use them, and if I have to work harder at eating, I get frustrated and give up.

The innocent gypsy spins gracefully
Swaying, losing herself in the web she has created
She's changing now
Soon there will be no turning back
Her shawls and lace wrap around her
Shielding her, protecting her, consuming her
Soon she will be trapped
Yet still she spins

Of New Songs and Improving Health

Anyone who knows me, is on my Facebook, or on PT knows that I've been ill.
As a result, my 5-day fast was put on hold in the hopes of improving my health.
It seems to have helped, as today I'm feeling better, and so starting Monday, my 5-day fast will resume.

I've written a new song, this time for the man I loved more than life itself.
I've moved on, I've come to realise that I don't miss him, I miss the relationship. I miss being with someone. Being held, kissed, having someone say "I love you" every night.
But him personally? No.
Nevertheless, I do hope he's happy.
Everyone deserves that much.

Do you even remember
The way you held me in your arms
How you said you loved me that December
And promised to protect me from all harm

Both of us were certain we were in love
Not knowing how badly the pain would scar
Love just wasn't enough
And you still dwell in the shadows of my heart

Whatever you're searching for out there
I hope you find it
When you look back on the time we shared
I hope you don't regret it

We will never be rid of the scars
But now I wonder if I'll ever be free
Who truly owns my heart
Is it you or the ghost of your memory?

I still think of you from time to time
But it's nothing I can't do without
I'll find the one for me in my own time
I know this without a shadow of doubt

I used to wonder why I wasn't enough
Used to think I wasn't good enough for you
I know now I never truly had your love
Don't deny it, you know it's true

Whatever you're searching for out there
I hope you find it
When you look back on the time we shared
I hope you don't regret it

We will never be rid of the scars
But now I wonder if I'll ever be free
Who truly owns my heart
Is it you or the ghost of your memory?

I won't hold on to you
Won't lose myself for you
I won't waste my time on you
I'm letting go of you

Whatever you're searching for out there
I hope you find it
When you look back on the time we shared
I hope you don't regret it

I will never be rid of the scars
But I know now I will be free
You don't own my heart
I'm through with you and the ghost of your memory