I've written a new song finally.
Someone hit Jade in a parking lot Tuesday, so now my door won't open properly.
Dad was so angry and sceamed at me for ages.
I'm going to move out and go to Nashville as soon as possible.
I'm saving up my money, so hopefully it won't be long.
Samantha said she'd love to go with me, so that's an idea.
Dustin would have to go if for no other reason than to keep the band together.
Casey (Jonathen's girlfriend) sent me a rude message on Facebook, but I'm done with her.
All I want is to be friends with Jonathen, not her, so I don't see the problem.
She said he wants nothing to do with me, but if that's the case, why did he talk to me last night?
Anyway, on to the song, for the man who...I'm not sure what we are--friends, or former friends..
The strings move up and down
You're pulled upward
As much as I hate to say it now
You're a coward
You told me to live my life
The way it was meant to be
The pain you're in cuts me like a knife
Now if only you could see
She's pulling the strings tighter, faster
Calling the shots
You're the puppet, she's the master
Taking away the little freedom you've got
She's got you in a cage
Tangled up, bound in chains
Unable to breathe, unable to change
Unable to find shelter from the rain
I only wanted to be your friend
Someone you could turn to
She made sure we had a bitter end
The friendship we once had is through
You won't break free
But you gave me that same speech
You're left searching, trying to see
The freedom that lies just beyond your reach
She's pulling the strings tighter, faster
Calling the shots
You're the puppet, she's the master
Taking away the little freedom you've got
She's got you in a cage
Tangled up, bound in chains
Unable to breathe, unable to change
Unable to find shelter from the rain
Be a man, baby
Don't let her have this control over you
Don't do it for anyone else, not even me
To your own heart you must be true
Stand up to her, honey
Don't play her stupid ganes
You can't live like this forever, baby
Your life will never be the same
She's pulling the strings tighter, faster
Calling the shots
You're the puppet, she's the master
Taking away the little freedom you've got
She's got you in a cage
Tangled up, bound in chains
Unable to breathe, unable to change
Unable to find shelter from the rain
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Of Clocks
I awaken.
The sky is still dark.
The air is cold.
The clock on my desk reads 04:28.
Her voice, shaking with anger, thrashes in my head.
What did you eat last night? Are you going to listen to me today, or will I have to scream at you because you're a fatass with no control?
It is this voice that rips me from my sleep.
Jolting me back into reality.
When I hesitate, she laughs.
Throwing her beautiful head back, her glistening black hair falling back
Her green eyes sparkling with a darkness that is haunting.
Her white teeth gleaming as she laughs at my despair.
When I don't answer, her hand lashes out, hitting my head and making the room spin.
Nothing I do is ever enough.
She will never be satisfied.
Still, I will do everything I can to make her love me.
I will have her approval.
I will be enough for her.
Even if it kills me.
No, this is not poetry. These are my thoughts. God, help me, these are my thoughts.
The sky is still dark.
The air is cold.
The clock on my desk reads 04:28.
Her voice, shaking with anger, thrashes in my head.
What did you eat last night? Are you going to listen to me today, or will I have to scream at you because you're a fatass with no control?
It is this voice that rips me from my sleep.
Jolting me back into reality.
When I hesitate, she laughs.
Throwing her beautiful head back, her glistening black hair falling back
Her green eyes sparkling with a darkness that is haunting.
Her white teeth gleaming as she laughs at my despair.
When I don't answer, her hand lashes out, hitting my head and making the room spin.
Nothing I do is ever enough.
She will never be satisfied.
Still, I will do everything I can to make her love me.
I will have her approval.
I will be enough for her.
Even if it kills me.
No, this is not poetry. These are my thoughts. God, help me, these are my thoughts.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Of Words
Words can break someone into a million pieces...
But they can also put them back together.
I hope you use yours for good.
Because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid
Are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.
What you say might be too much for people.
Maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter
And you'll walk away embarrassed,
Wincing as you play it all back in your head.
But I think the words you'll stop yourself from saying
Are the ones that will haunt you the longest.
So say it to them.
Or say it to yourself in the mirror.
Say it in a letter you'll never send.
Or in a book millions might read someday.
I think you deserve to look back on your life
Without a chorus of voices saying
"I could've, but it's too late now.."
There is a time for silence.
There is a time for waiting your turn.
But if you know how you feel
And you so clearly know what you need to say
You'll know it.
I don't think you should wait.
I think you should speak now.
--Taylor Swift
As I read this on the inside cover of Taylor's Speak Now album, a chord struck
And resounded.
Words can cut like a knife.
Burn like a brand.
Sting like a thousand needles.
They are like fire
Ice.
Mixing and blending together in beautiful destruction
Mystical chaos.
I have said and done many things I shouldn't have.
Things I regret.
But, I cannot take them back.
I can however, learn from them.
And I have.
Never again will I think
"What if they think I'm stupid?"
If they do, then I can't change that.
I told Jonathen how I felt.
It didn't work out romantically
But, we are still friends, and that is what matters.
The voice in my head that screams at me
That lectures me every waking moment I even entertain the thought of eating
She is as quick to scold as she is to soothe.
She reminds me every day I am not good enough.
Not beautiful enough.
Not thin enough.
I have been letting her down so much this past week
And I am not weighing in unless I earn it.
The unknown is my incentive.
The unknown will push me farther.
The unknown will destroy me.
Unless I conquer it and let light cast away the shadows.
The voice in my head that accompanies the first is almost as bad.
Telling me that if I can't be strong enough to resist the food
Then I should at least be strong enough to purge it all.
A vicious team, a murderous duo
They regulate my existence.
They determine my worth.
They are my best friends.
They understand me.
Their names?
Ana and Mia.
But they can also put them back together.
I hope you use yours for good.
Because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid
Are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.
What you say might be too much for people.
Maybe it will come out all wrong and you'll stutter
And you'll walk away embarrassed,
Wincing as you play it all back in your head.
But I think the words you'll stop yourself from saying
Are the ones that will haunt you the longest.
So say it to them.
Or say it to yourself in the mirror.
Say it in a letter you'll never send.
Or in a book millions might read someday.
I think you deserve to look back on your life
Without a chorus of voices saying
"I could've, but it's too late now.."
There is a time for silence.
There is a time for waiting your turn.
But if you know how you feel
And you so clearly know what you need to say
You'll know it.
I don't think you should wait.
I think you should speak now.
--Taylor Swift
As I read this on the inside cover of Taylor's Speak Now album, a chord struck
And resounded.
Words can cut like a knife.
Burn like a brand.
Sting like a thousand needles.
They are like fire
Ice.
Mixing and blending together in beautiful destruction
Mystical chaos.
I have said and done many things I shouldn't have.
Things I regret.
But, I cannot take them back.
I can however, learn from them.
And I have.
Never again will I think
"What if they think I'm stupid?"
If they do, then I can't change that.
I told Jonathen how I felt.
It didn't work out romantically
But, we are still friends, and that is what matters.
The voice in my head that screams at me
That lectures me every waking moment I even entertain the thought of eating
She is as quick to scold as she is to soothe.
She reminds me every day I am not good enough.
Not beautiful enough.
Not thin enough.
I have been letting her down so much this past week
And I am not weighing in unless I earn it.
The unknown is my incentive.
The unknown will push me farther.
The unknown will destroy me.
Unless I conquer it and let light cast away the shadows.
The voice in my head that accompanies the first is almost as bad.
Telling me that if I can't be strong enough to resist the food
Then I should at least be strong enough to purge it all.
A vicious team, a murderous duo
They regulate my existence.
They determine my worth.
They are my best friends.
They understand me.
Their names?
Ana and Mia.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Of Rolling Snowballs
I lost my job today.
Roll, snowball, roll.
Gather enough failure and disappointments to bury me.
Merry fucking Christmas to me.
Roll, snowball, roll.
Gather enough failure and disappointments to bury me.
Merry fucking Christmas to me.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Of Invisibility
Does anyone see me?
I can feel their pain
Fire rising through my being
Burning, scorching, torture.
And yet, no one notices.
No one sees the war I fight.
No one knows that I fight every day
My war is a silent one
Waged upon my own flesh
This cage of skin, fat and bone.
Someone see me.
Save me
Please?
Silence is my only answer.
I can feel their pain
Fire rising through my being
Burning, scorching, torture.
And yet, no one notices.
No one sees the war I fight.
No one knows that I fight every day
My war is a silent one
Waged upon my own flesh
This cage of skin, fat and bone.
Someone see me.
Save me
Please?
Silence is my only answer.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Of Binging
Fucking binged.
320 cals.
I am so damn weak.
I fucking hate myself right now.
Tomorrow is another day.
God, help me.
Day one, day one
Start over again....
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense...
320 cals.
I am so damn weak.
I fucking hate myself right now.
Tomorrow is another day.
God, help me.
Day one, day one
Start over again....
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense...
Of Poetry and Thoughts
Someone said today they didn't know if my writing was poetry or prose.
In a way, it is both.
However, if it is meant to be viewed strictly as poetry, I will specify.
I do love that it can be taken both ways.
It had never occurred to me in that sense before.
My music and writing often unfolds like the book of my life.
I believe in honesty.
It's the only way I can exist as a writer.
The music I create simmers and sometimes sits for quite some time.
But in the end, it is always worth it.
Every step along the path of my life
I've been writing it all down.
I take incredibly detailed notes.
Rather than party, I go up in my room and write.
Sometimes I simply listen to music and let my thoughts wander.
I open my journal.
Pour my heart out onto the paper.
Bleeding black ink on ivory flesh.
It can take minutes.
It can take hours.
But it's always deep.
It's always real.
I'm back to being the poet I always thought I was.
The poet I know I am.
In a way, it is both.
However, if it is meant to be viewed strictly as poetry, I will specify.
I do love that it can be taken both ways.
It had never occurred to me in that sense before.
My music and writing often unfolds like the book of my life.
I believe in honesty.
It's the only way I can exist as a writer.
The music I create simmers and sometimes sits for quite some time.
But in the end, it is always worth it.
Every step along the path of my life
I've been writing it all down.
I take incredibly detailed notes.
Rather than party, I go up in my room and write.
Sometimes I simply listen to music and let my thoughts wander.
I open my journal.
Pour my heart out onto the paper.
Bleeding black ink on ivory flesh.
It can take minutes.
It can take hours.
But it's always deep.
It's always real.
I'm back to being the poet I always thought I was.
The poet I know I am.
Of Walks In The Mist
So we go to the other side of the mirror.
My favourite place.
Once more.
And I get to take my time.
For the first time.
A high price...for your luxury.
And the woman may be so awestruck.
And the woman may truly care.
But the woman is so tired....that the woman disappears.
But not really, just short walks in the mist.
Every once in awhile.
As you read, know that these are my thoughts
But that they can also be interpreted however you wish.
You know, I love that.
Mystery, meanings unclear, abstract.
Weaving a web that is my own
Beginning again
Like some intense recording session.
This is my work.
This is my heart.
It is enchanting.
Enchanted.
My favourite place.
Once more.
And I get to take my time.
For the first time.
A high price...for your luxury.
And the woman may be so awestruck.
And the woman may truly care.
But the woman is so tired....that the woman disappears.
But not really, just short walks in the mist.
Every once in awhile.
As you read, know that these are my thoughts
But that they can also be interpreted however you wish.
You know, I love that.
Mystery, meanings unclear, abstract.
Weaving a web that is my own
Beginning again
Like some intense recording session.
This is my work.
This is my heart.
It is enchanting.
Enchanted.
Of Trouble In Shangri-La
With the way the media and most people glamourise eating disorders, you would think it is paradise.
You would be wrong.
What if I told you that you would spend every second, every minute, every hour thinking about food and how to avoid it?
What if I told you that you'd be so scared of eating that the mere thought of food would make you break down?
What if I told you that soon you'll be feeling weak and dizzy, nearly passing out every time you move?
What if I told you that your hair will break, your nails will turn blue, and for some women, you will possibly become infertile due to loss of a menstrual cycle?
What if I told you that you will lose your friends, your family, your boyfriend/girlfriend, the trust of everyone you love?
What if I told you that people will treat you as though you're made of glass?
What if I told you that everyone will whisper behind your back, but only a few will have the nerve to face you?
What if I told you that you'll be so cold that you'll be wearing heavy sweaters even in the warmest weather?
What if I told you that you'll most likely hate yourself so much that you want to end everything?
What if I told you that it's almost impossible to escape?
Would you still want to be like me?
Would you still want this?
There's trouble in Shangri-La....
This life is not as glamourous as people make it out to be.
Every day is a struggle.
Some days I want it all to stop.
The fear.
The calorie-counting.
The purging.
The cutting.
Life.
God, help me. If I ever needed You, it's definitely now.
Don't leave me.
My hands are searching for You.
My arms are outstretched towards You.
Help me.
Save me.
Please?
You would be wrong.
What if I told you that you would spend every second, every minute, every hour thinking about food and how to avoid it?
What if I told you that you'd be so scared of eating that the mere thought of food would make you break down?
What if I told you that soon you'll be feeling weak and dizzy, nearly passing out every time you move?
What if I told you that your hair will break, your nails will turn blue, and for some women, you will possibly become infertile due to loss of a menstrual cycle?
What if I told you that you will lose your friends, your family, your boyfriend/girlfriend, the trust of everyone you love?
What if I told you that people will treat you as though you're made of glass?
What if I told you that everyone will whisper behind your back, but only a few will have the nerve to face you?
What if I told you that you'll be so cold that you'll be wearing heavy sweaters even in the warmest weather?
What if I told you that you'll most likely hate yourself so much that you want to end everything?
What if I told you that it's almost impossible to escape?
Would you still want to be like me?
Would you still want this?
There's trouble in Shangri-La....
This life is not as glamourous as people make it out to be.
Every day is a struggle.
Some days I want it all to stop.
The fear.
The calorie-counting.
The purging.
The cutting.
Life.
God, help me. If I ever needed You, it's definitely now.
Don't leave me.
My hands are searching for You.
My arms are outstretched towards You.
Help me.
Save me.
Please?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Of Horrible Weeks
This week has been completely horrible.
With everything that has been going on with Jonathen, I didn't think things could get worse.
I was wrong.
Today at work, Nina (the head boss-lady) called Arthur (my supervisor) and me into her office.
As I sat in her office, she began looking at me very intensely (not that it's really unusual for Nina).
She said it had been brought to her attention that I'd been cutting myself.
My first thought? Fuck.
Then Arthur said, "Just to clarify, she doesn't mean on accident."
I replied, "I know."
"I know she knows what I mean, I can see it in her eyes," Nina said.
I managed to convince them that I wasn't doing anything at work (a complete lie) and that I was okay.
Now, I have to wonder....who told Nina?
She didn't really give a damn about what happened to me. She said she had to think about what was best for the company.
After I left her office, the first person I looked for was Jonathen.
I found him walking down an aisle toward me.
Me: Jonathen!
(He looks up)
Me: I need to ask you something.
Jonathen: What?
Me: I need to ask you something.
Jonathen: Okay. What?
Me: (now standing in front of him, looking up at him) Did you say something to Nina?
Jonathen: What?
Me: Did. You. Say. Something. To. Nina?
Jonathen: No. Of course not. Tell me what happened.
(I tell him the story)
Jonathen: No. I didn't say anything. All I said to Arthur was that I was scared when you weren't here yesterday. I promise. That's all I said.
Me: Well, someone went to Nina, and I want to know who it was.
So...needless to say, work was terrible for the last two hours.
Then, I got home and Dustin was pissed at me for some reason.
He thought I'd abandoned him, but all I've been doing is trying to sort things out in my head.
We've straightened everything out now, but it was crazy there for awhile.
What else can happen, dare I ask?
With everything that has been going on with Jonathen, I didn't think things could get worse.
I was wrong.
Today at work, Nina (the head boss-lady) called Arthur (my supervisor) and me into her office.
As I sat in her office, she began looking at me very intensely (not that it's really unusual for Nina).
She said it had been brought to her attention that I'd been cutting myself.
My first thought? Fuck.
Then Arthur said, "Just to clarify, she doesn't mean on accident."
I replied, "I know."
"I know she knows what I mean, I can see it in her eyes," Nina said.
I managed to convince them that I wasn't doing anything at work (a complete lie) and that I was okay.
Now, I have to wonder....who told Nina?
She didn't really give a damn about what happened to me. She said she had to think about what was best for the company.
After I left her office, the first person I looked for was Jonathen.
I found him walking down an aisle toward me.
Me: Jonathen!
(He looks up)
Me: I need to ask you something.
Jonathen: What?
Me: I need to ask you something.
Jonathen: Okay. What?
Me: (now standing in front of him, looking up at him) Did you say something to Nina?
Jonathen: What?
Me: Did. You. Say. Something. To. Nina?
Jonathen: No. Of course not. Tell me what happened.
(I tell him the story)
Jonathen: No. I didn't say anything. All I said to Arthur was that I was scared when you weren't here yesterday. I promise. That's all I said.
Me: Well, someone went to Nina, and I want to know who it was.
So...needless to say, work was terrible for the last two hours.
Then, I got home and Dustin was pissed at me for some reason.
He thought I'd abandoned him, but all I've been doing is trying to sort things out in my head.
We've straightened everything out now, but it was crazy there for awhile.
What else can happen, dare I ask?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Of Stupidity and Disappointment
I feel so stupid.
For one glorious day and a half, I was happy again.
I thought he was different, that we could have made it work.
I really liked him.
I still do, but I'm trying to keep it from showing.
He's with Casey again, and I don't blame him.
She's so beautiful, I don't see how he could have ever looked at anyone else.
From what he's said though, she treats him horribly, and I hate that.
I just want Jonathen to be happy, and if that's by letting him go and be with her, I will.
I have no claim to him anyway, so it doesn't matter.
One question though: will the pain and disappointments ever stop?
The small and large disappointments keep adding up.
And the snowball keeps rolling.
For one glorious day and a half, I was happy again.
I thought he was different, that we could have made it work.
I really liked him.
I still do, but I'm trying to keep it from showing.
He's with Casey again, and I don't blame him.
She's so beautiful, I don't see how he could have ever looked at anyone else.
From what he's said though, she treats him horribly, and I hate that.
I just want Jonathen to be happy, and if that's by letting him go and be with her, I will.
I have no claim to him anyway, so it doesn't matter.
One question though: will the pain and disappointments ever stop?
The small and large disappointments keep adding up.
And the snowball keeps rolling.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Of Fasting and Jonathen
Like I said this morning, my plan for today was 0 cals. I managed it, and then when I got back to my grandmother's after work, I weighed in. 86.6lbs. I gained .2lbs. What the fuck? Hopefully it goes back down. If it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do.
I left work today at 14:30 and tomorrow I work from 07:00 to 15:30. And, tomorrow Jonathen and I are going to come back to my grandmother's house and watch a few films that he's determined I cannot live without seeing. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. For starters, I'm scared that if we did end up in a relationship, he wouldn't stay because I want to stay a virgin until I'm married. He's already admitted he's not one, and it doesn't really bother me, but I don't want to be compared to some of the other women he's been with. It makes me nervous and even more self-conscious.
I'm also scared that once he realises how extreme my methods of weight loss and self-harm are, he'll not be able to deal with it and he'll leave. I've not been with someone in so long, and I'm not sure how this all works anymore.
I left work today at 14:30 and tomorrow I work from 07:00 to 15:30. And, tomorrow Jonathen and I are going to come back to my grandmother's house and watch a few films that he's determined I cannot live without seeing. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. For starters, I'm scared that if we did end up in a relationship, he wouldn't stay because I want to stay a virgin until I'm married. He's already admitted he's not one, and it doesn't really bother me, but I don't want to be compared to some of the other women he's been with. It makes me nervous and even more self-conscious.
I'm also scared that once he realises how extreme my methods of weight loss and self-harm are, he'll not be able to deal with it and he'll leave. I've not been with someone in so long, and I'm not sure how this all works anymore.
Of Freezing Mornings and Determination
It's 05:05 and it's fucking cold outside. The weather on the news said the temperature was 12 degrees Farenheight..what the hell....Since I don't have much time, here's my meal plan for today:
- 0 cals
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Of Last Night Binges and Working Late
My binge wasn't all that bad last night. Could have been much worse. Today has been great, so I hope I can stay strong enough to not go in the kitchen tonight. I dunno. I'm actually feeling pretty weak..
I'll try my best.
Jonathen worked our full shift today rather than going home early because he knew I was staying. It made me feel so special.
He told me today I was "too skinny".
Jonathen: (after making a joke about my height) I'm sorry. I know it sucks being short.
Me: Yes, it does.
Jonathen: What sucks even worse is being short and fat. But, you're not fat, so...
Me: ........
Jonathen: You're actually too skinny.
Me: Bullshit.
Jonathen: What? Did you just "bullshit" me?
I don't know if I could maintain or gain if he asked. I suppose I could try. I'm trying to stop cutting as it is. It's just such a hard addiction to break.
Today I've had nothing, and I'm going to try and keep it that way. I may go out and wash Jade even though it's freezing cold outside, but it needs to be done anyway.
I'll try my best.
Jonathen worked our full shift today rather than going home early because he knew I was staying. It made me feel so special.
He told me today I was "too skinny".
Jonathen: (after making a joke about my height) I'm sorry. I know it sucks being short.
Me: Yes, it does.
Jonathen: What sucks even worse is being short and fat. But, you're not fat, so...
Me: ........
Jonathen: You're actually too skinny.
Me: Bullshit.
Jonathen: What? Did you just "bullshit" me?
I don't know if I could maintain or gain if he asked. I suppose I could try. I'm trying to stop cutting as it is. It's just such a hard addiction to break.
Today I've had nothing, and I'm going to try and keep it that way. I may go out and wash Jade even though it's freezing cold outside, but it needs to be done anyway.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Of Shipping Offices and Wal-Mart Fun
So....I went to work today and worked in the shipping office with Mona again. Not a hard job, but the two other girls (Courtney and Carol) drove me mad. I was planning on staying late today, but Marc (my supervisor) told me I had to leave. So, as I was leaving, I turned to Jonathen.
Me: I don't want to go home though. That means I have to answer questions and shit.
Jonathen: You don't want to go home? (pause) You know what? Come on.
Me: What?
Jonathen: Come on. Come with me. Let's go hang out.
Me: Seriously?
Jonathen: Yeah. You coming or not?
Me: Well....why not?
We decided to go to Wal-Mart, where he bought a new CD and we made fun of all the creepy dolls in the toy isles. On the way there, he looked over at me.
Jonathen: I have a stupid question.
Me: Okay...
Jonathen: Why are you trusting me?
Me: I don't know. I really don't know. It doesn't happen often, so consider yourself lucky.
Jonathen: I must be doing something right, or something very very wrong.
Me: Haha, yeah I just don't know which...kidding.
Jonathen: Arthur may be right. I think he knew before I did that I liked you.
Me: What??? Why does Arthur know and I don't?
Jonathen: Because I've been talking to him about it.
Me: Oh...
So........he does like me...wow. I haven't had anyone (other than Dustin) tell me that I'm pretty in a long time, or treat me like I won't break. It was so amazing. I don't know what will happen, but hopefully it will be something wonderful.
In other news, my meal plan. Let's review:
Now here's what actually happened:
All in all, it adds up to 245....not bad, but still not low enough. I fucking hate this.
Me: I don't want to go home though. That means I have to answer questions and shit.
Jonathen: You don't want to go home? (pause) You know what? Come on.
Me: What?
Jonathen: Come on. Come with me. Let's go hang out.
Me: Seriously?
Jonathen: Yeah. You coming or not?
Me: Well....why not?
We decided to go to Wal-Mart, where he bought a new CD and we made fun of all the creepy dolls in the toy isles. On the way there, he looked over at me.
Jonathen: I have a stupid question.
Me: Okay...
Jonathen: Why are you trusting me?
Me: I don't know. I really don't know. It doesn't happen often, so consider yourself lucky.
Jonathen: I must be doing something right, or something very very wrong.
Me: Haha, yeah I just don't know which...kidding.
Jonathen: Arthur may be right. I think he knew before I did that I liked you.
Me: What??? Why does Arthur know and I don't?
Jonathen: Because I've been talking to him about it.
Me: Oh...
So........he does like me...wow. I haven't had anyone (other than Dustin) tell me that I'm pretty in a long time, or treat me like I won't break. It was so amazing. I don't know what will happen, but hopefully it will be something wonderful.
In other news, my meal plan. Let's review:
- Two pretzels (55 cals)
- Diet Dr. Pepper (0 cals)
- Dinner??
Now here's what actually happened:
- Two pretzels (55 cals)
- 1 small Cinnamon roll (190 cals)
- Diet Dr. Pepper (0 cals)
All in all, it adds up to 245....not bad, but still not low enough. I fucking hate this.
Of Insane Midnight Phone Calls and Morning Emails
A few years ago, I dated a guy named Billy (and no, I didn't change his name for privacy reasons. He doesn't deserve it). He smothered me while we were dating, but that's nothing compared to how he is now. He calls me constantly. When I woke up (after only two hours of sleep) I had a missed call from him. I'm so tired of the phone calls and text messages (when I don't even have unlimited texting on my phone) all the time. Maybe time to bring in a lawyer?
On another note, Dustin (drummer in my band) emailed me this morning and said:
I'm okay, just missing you alot. =/ I was worried you had found someone to take care of you. =( I'm just really possessive. I know I don't "own" you or anything, but......you have a special place in my heart. We need to work on our relationship. I have some ideas. Let's talk sometime, love. Goodnight.
Now...he and I are not dating and never have. He knows I like Jonathen, and when he found out, he said he didn't think we could be friends anymore. We've managed to work past that, but still....sometimes it's frustrating to have someone be so possessive when you aren't even dating. Even when you are dating, it's still frustrating at times.
Here's my meal plan for today:
Anyway, it's almost 05:00, so I'm going to go brush my teeth and get ready to leave for work. I get to drive Jade (my 2001 silver Pontiac Sunfire) today. Fun times.
On another note, Dustin (drummer in my band) emailed me this morning and said:
I'm okay, just missing you alot. =/ I was worried you had found someone to take care of you. =( I'm just really possessive. I know I don't "own" you or anything, but......you have a special place in my heart. We need to work on our relationship. I have some ideas. Let's talk sometime, love. Goodnight.
Now...he and I are not dating and never have. He knows I like Jonathen, and when he found out, he said he didn't think we could be friends anymore. We've managed to work past that, but still....sometimes it's frustrating to have someone be so possessive when you aren't even dating. Even when you are dating, it's still frustrating at times.
Here's my meal plan for today:
- Two pretzels for breakfast (55 cals)
- Diet Dr. Pepper for lunch (0 cals)
- Dinner????
Anyway, it's almost 05:00, so I'm going to go brush my teeth and get ready to leave for work. I get to drive Jade (my 2001 silver Pontiac Sunfire) today. Fun times.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Of Tiring Work and Unusual Comments
I worked today from 06:00 to 18:30, and it was so cold out today, even in the building. I worked in the shipping office with Mona (short for Ramona) amd Courtney (a girl I went to high school with), and it was freezing. At lunch today, Jonathen gave me his jacket and I wore it all day (or rather until 16:30 when Jonathen left).
I tried to get him to stay late with me, but he wouldn't. Then, when Arthur came in, our conversation was as follows:
Arthur: Hey, Little Bit. How's it going?
Me: Okay.
Arthur: Thanks for staying late today (high fives me)
Me: It's not a problem. I don't mind.
Arthur: You couldn't convince your man to stay (referring to Jonathen)
Me: Since when is he *my* man?
Arthur: (looks at me and walks away)
Me: .........
Jonathen's jacket was so warm and it smelled amazing. I may have to freeze more often.
Anyway, let's review the meal plan I set for today:
Now, here's what actually happened:
I tried to get him to stay late with me, but he wouldn't. Then, when Arthur came in, our conversation was as follows:
Arthur: Hey, Little Bit. How's it going?
Me: Okay.
Arthur: Thanks for staying late today (high fives me)
Me: It's not a problem. I don't mind.
Arthur: You couldn't convince your man to stay (referring to Jonathen)
Me: Since when is he *my* man?
Arthur: (looks at me and walks away)
Me: .........
Jonathen's jacket was so warm and it smelled amazing. I may have to freeze more often.
Anyway, let's review the meal plan I set for today:
- Four pretzels for breakfast (110 cals)
- Diet Dr. Pepper (0 cals)
- ......dinner?
Now, here's what actually happened:
- Six pretzels for breakfast (125 cals)
- Milky Way candy bar (270 cals)
- Diet Dr. Pepper (0 cals)
- Two pretzels (55 cals)
Of Snow and Ice-Filled Mornings
Un believeable. Un-fucking-believeable. The first day I have my new car to drive to work, and there's snow and black ice on the roads. Which means, due to my parents and grandparents worrying too much, I can't drive myself to work. I hope everyone is able to make it to work okay. Especially Jonathen. If he's not there, work will become that much more stressful. I can cope, but he makes my day so much brighter. I'll update more after work.
Meal plan for today:
Wish me luck!
Meal plan for today:
- Four pretzels for breakfast (maybe only two)
- Diet Dr. Pepper for lunch
- ........who knows about dinner?
Wish me luck!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Of Insane Work Schedules and Failures
Starting tomorrow, I have to work from 06:00 to 18:00...(6am to 6pm for non-military people), seven days a week. As if I'm not tired enough already. Anyway, I bought a new car today, and I can't wait to go to work and show Jonathen and Kayla.
Jonathen...what can I say about him? For starters, I hope he feels better. He was going hoarse Thursday and yesterday, so I hope he's not getting sick. Talking to him makes me day so much better and he can keep me sane for the most part.
I ate so fucking much today....I had four pieces of grilled bread, some chicken, and four pretzel rods. I feel so disgusted with myself. I'm never going to reach my goal weight if I keep this shit up. Jonathen already looks horrified and heartbroken when he looks at me, and I know it's because I'm so huge. He'll never be interested in me as long as I'm this fat. I have to lose it, not only so I'll be happy, but in the hopes that he'll notice me....
Jonathen...what can I say about him? For starters, I hope he feels better. He was going hoarse Thursday and yesterday, so I hope he's not getting sick. Talking to him makes me day so much better and he can keep me sane for the most part.
I ate so fucking much today....I had four pieces of grilled bread, some chicken, and four pretzel rods. I feel so disgusted with myself. I'm never going to reach my goal weight if I keep this shit up. Jonathen already looks horrified and heartbroken when he looks at me, and I know it's because I'm so huge. He'll never be interested in me as long as I'm this fat. I have to lose it, not only so I'll be happy, but in the hopes that he'll notice me....
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