Inner torments

Every morning, I wake up and wonder if I should waste my time getting up and going to work. I've taken up drumming again, but it's a bit more difficult since I no longer have my drums. I've been banging on everything in the house though to compensate. Of course, my drums sold for $300 and went to pay for groceries and the house payment, but I still wish it hadn't had to be done.

The benefit performance didn't happen this past weekend as planned due to malfunctioning equipment, so that was devastating. The dream I had last night was horrifying and I woke screaming, much to the terror of my poor little puppies, but I don't know what to make of it. See what you make of it:

My fingers were sprawled against the keys of the piano, placed against the ivory with ease. I didn't know what I was to play, but I tried to oblige my thoughts to come out of hiding, at least for the sake of attempting. As I pressed down on the keys, I heard no sound spilling out from beneath them. Surely I knew how to play the piano, did I not? I knew I did. But I heard nothing. I shook my head, fueling a whirlwind of torrents that weren't musical and weren't comforting. I felt my fingers grasp a pen, pressing the tip generously against the paper. Yet, the tip was never moving, and my fingers grew numb, just like the thoughts and their activity in my head. My head began to pulse, and throb, and with that, my fingers crashed against the keys and I scribbled aimlessly against the piece, drawing internal organs and hate mixed with solace and happiness and beauty.

I could only think of nothing; only soundless nothingness. Lights seared through the whirlwind, with tires spinning, and smoke rising against hot concrete. Heat spewed within and fingers clutched the air, trying to grasp nothing if it was possible by any means. Did pain not make any sound now? Surely it had before. Surely before I could give it a soundtrack and now the inspiration had run dry, and I was running dry from the inside out because all I could feel was pain, and everything was with no sound. I tried to scream in the muted world, if only I could hear myself. My fingers slid against the keys as I descended to the floor, laying myself down in oblivion…