Blades

I'm sitting here at my desk, my television is on, my music is blasting, I have a book nearby.
All I can seem to concentrate on is the box cutter next to my phone.
If this were two years ago, I'd call Alan.
If this were two months ago, I'd call Dustin or Jonathen.
As it stands, it's not, and there's no one to call.
I'm alone.
I suppose, technically, I could call Jonathen if I weren't such a coward.
I don't want to risk Casey answering his phone and making his life worse.
Besides, what right do I have to ask for his help?

God, Jonathen, I miss you.

I need you.

Took the Time (Song)

Innocent and beautiful, the gypsy sways
She swirls alone so gracefully
Lost in the web she has made
Heading for a fall she cannot see

She's losing herself slowly
Does she really care?
No one knows where she's going
All that matters is that she gets there.

She says You think you know so much about me
Well, think again, 'cause you're wrong
I've been through more pain than one pair of eyes should see
Sung my fair amount of sad songs

It's there for you to see
You don't have to look very hard
If you ever took the time to look at me
It's there in the scars

She knows her demons will find her
Simply hiding them away
Shawls and lace wrap around her
Consuming her while the moon holds her sway

The velvet blanket of darkness falls
Shadows bury her alive
Heeding the warning of her heart's call
Knowing there's no place to hide

She says "You think you know so much about me
Well, think again, 'cause you're wrong
I've been through more pain than one pair of eyes should see
Sung my fair amount of sad songs

It's there for you to see
You don't have to look very hard
If you ever took the time to look at me
It's there in the scars

F**k!!!!!!

Fuck.
Fuck.
I cut again.
I thought I was clean.
I thought I had managed to stop.
I thought wrong.

Fuck.

They aren't deep, but they'll scar.
Yes, I've had a bit to drink, but not even an entire glass.
I filled my blue plastic wine glass with coconut rum and diet Pepsi.
It's only half-full.
I'm not even buzzed.
I can't even use alcohol as an excuse.
What is wrong with me??

Of Coffee, Dishes and Gypsy's

So....it's that time again.
The three days of every month that I dread.
Which, of course, means the chocolate cravings, cramps, back pain, irritability and overall extreme hunger are back.
I'm sitting at my desk, drinking a cup of black coffee with cinammon and preparing to write.
I've been getting on my own nerves lately, mainly because I have to have certain dishes for certain things.

• Chocolate milk--The plastic martini glass and allow myself no more than the glass will hold.
• Regular milk--The indigo plastic cup that I got in third or fourth grade.
• Coffee--The black coffee mug with the red horseman
• Chew/Spit ritual--The little green plastic bowl that no one ever uses for anything
• Toast--The smallest thinest plates we own
• Spoons--When mixing something, I use straight-handled spoons, when eating with them, I use curved handled spoons.

During family meals I have to eat everything seperately on my plate, starting with the healthiest/lowest calorie and eating as slowly as possible and drinking shit-tons of water (for obvious reasons).
I want to find chopsticks to eat with, because I know I can't use them, and if I have to work harder at eating, I get frustrated and give up.

The innocent gypsy spins gracefully
Swaying, losing herself in the web she has created
She's changing now
Soon there will be no turning back
Her shawls and lace wrap around her
Shielding her, protecting her, consuming her
Soon she will be trapped
Yet still she spins

Of New Songs and Improving Health

Anyone who knows me, is on my Facebook, or on PT knows that I've been ill.
As a result, my 5-day fast was put on hold in the hopes of improving my health.
It seems to have helped, as today I'm feeling better, and so starting Monday, my 5-day fast will resume.

I've written a new song, this time for the man I loved more than life itself.
I've moved on, I've come to realise that I don't miss him, I miss the relationship. I miss being with someone. Being held, kissed, having someone say "I love you" every night.
But him personally? No.
Nevertheless, I do hope he's happy.
Everyone deserves that much.

Do you even remember
The way you held me in your arms
How you said you loved me that December
And promised to protect me from all harm

Both of us were certain we were in love
Not knowing how badly the pain would scar
Love just wasn't enough
And you still dwell in the shadows of my heart

Whatever you're searching for out there
I hope you find it
When you look back on the time we shared
I hope you don't regret it

We will never be rid of the scars
But now I wonder if I'll ever be free
Who truly owns my heart
Is it you or the ghost of your memory?

I still think of you from time to time
But it's nothing I can't do without
I'll find the one for me in my own time
I know this without a shadow of doubt

I used to wonder why I wasn't enough
Used to think I wasn't good enough for you
I know now I never truly had your love
Don't deny it, you know it's true

Whatever you're searching for out there
I hope you find it
When you look back on the time we shared
I hope you don't regret it

We will never be rid of the scars
But now I wonder if I'll ever be free
Who truly owns my heart
Is it you or the ghost of your memory?

I won't hold on to you
Won't lose myself for you
I won't waste my time on you
I'm letting go of you

Whatever you're searching for out there
I hope you find it
When you look back on the time we shared
I hope you don't regret it

I will never be rid of the scars
But I know now I will be free
You don't own my heart
I'm through with you and the ghost of your memory

Of Ranting...

I'm the youngest and my eldest brother is handicapped, unable to walk/talk/eat solid foods and my other brother died at birth. This makes me the "hope and future" for my family. I graduated high school at the top of my class because I was yelled at if my grades were any lower than A's. I graduated college Valedictorian and when I got my job, I only missed one day of work due to weather.

I was laid off on December 23rd and still haven't found employment. Not due to lack of trying, but my mum keeps telling me that I'm slacking, that I'm not trying hard enough. Hell, I put in four applications in twenty minutes one afternoon. I put in two applications Saturday, and all in all it's been about 15-20 applications in a month's time.

Both my parents support my music career, but they aren't willing to help me by being my manager. My dad works two days a week and makes more than I made in two weeks time. It isn't like he doesn't have the time. I bought my own car, I pay the insurance, my phone/internet bill, and I don't eat much. I've loaned them almost all of my money and my bank account is now down to $600.

Both my cousins on my mum's side are younger than me and heavier than me. My grandparents favour them and always have. If I gain any weight whatsoever, they tell me I'm getting fat. If I lose weight, I'm too thin and need to eat more. My grandmother tells me I'll never be a successful singer, even though that's all I've ever wanted, I have a demo CD recorded and another in the works, and I've performed numerous times for various events. I even have a radio DJ coming to watch me sing in June. I know I can do it, I just need someone to give me the chance.

When my dad accidentally saw the cuts on my legs, he said "Why in hell would you do that? Your life is too good for that shit.". Hence the reason I hide the fresh cuts and my ED. I'd hate to see how he'd react to that...Yes, I have a good life compared to most. My parents never hit me, they aren't drug addicts/alcoholics or anything like that. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel pain or that my pain doesn't matter.

Of Unbelievable Happenings

Saturdays and Sundays are the two days I allow myself to eat.
I'm allowed whatever I want, within reason.
Today I've had:

• Toast: 240cals (burned off)
• 1 breadstick: 180 cals (burned off as well)
• Salad: 60 (only partially burned off)
• 2 Hot Dogs: 180 (I just purged them)

Even on the days I allow myself to eat, I still purge.
I'm so pathetic.
I've got some cookies to make later and hopefully I can enjoy them.
I know I'll still feel like shit.

Sometimes I wish this were over.
I wish I could be like those girls who can eat without thinking of it.
Even the thought of eating even a normal meal disgusts me.
It literally makes me feel ill.
The control is worth it all, however.
I don't ned to be like those other weak people who need two or three meals a day.
I am stronger than all of them.
I have to be.