Well, my laptop gets closer to crashing permanently every day. I need to get a new one. Saving up my money for one, but with gasoline prices being so fucking high, and making only minimum wage....easier said than done. I'll get there eventually though.
Finally watched Light of Day starring the amazing Michael J. Fox and the fucking awesome Joan Jett. It was amazing. Joan really blew me away with her performance. It sucks that the film is now a collector's item, but I'm very happy to own it.
I'm trying to hold on to some thread of sanity before I completely lose it.
I thought I knew you...
I'm so tired of being alone. It's not that I need someone, I just want someone. The last person I was with (Jonathen) disappointed me beyond belief, but at least it didn't destroy me like Alan did.
You still haunt my memory.
I still think about him. I still talk about him. I still miss him. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from the way things happened. It's made me colder, more hesitant to allow people to get close. I've never been the type to trust easily, and when people are scared to approach you, it doesn't help.
People do seem to expect me to haul off and smack 'em. Maybe I give that impression because I am very intense. I am determined, but people might mistake that for being masculine or bitchy. That's just me. You do have to have the strength to believe in yourself. People usually use the word aggressive to describe me. I somehow don't think that's the right word. Tough? I think the word tough is too much. I think people get tough and aggressive mixed up with mean. I don't think I'm mean. For the most part, I think I'm fairly easy to get along with. I'm approachable, and people can come up and say hi. I'm not gonna bite their head off, you know.
That leather jacket, the dark hair, the heavy makeup, it was kind of armoring because people were kind of afraid of me. I'm always up against obstacles, but that doesn't scare me. You just have to have courage and stick to your guns. I admit I'm stubborn, but I'm proud of what I've done.
I'm kind of a loner in a lot of ways, but in other ways, I'm very much a rule follower. Rules of civility. Rules that help us all get along. Rules that say, when you're on the righthand side, you stop at a stop sign. There's a thing called right-of-way, please and thank you. My rebellion is not about authority, well maybe it is a little bit about authority, but it's more about society. I got along great with my parents. Great, really great. And I got along great with my teachers. I had no problems at school. I was a good student. So I wasn't rebelling against school.
It was about society and what they allow. You're given two messages. You're saying girls can be anything, and then you give girls shit whenever they do something out of the box, different than what you expect a girl to be. When a girl dresses different than you expect a girl to dress, if she doesn't just have a dress on with her long hair parted down the middle and big tits and high heels...you know. I'm not cutting it down at all. It's just, that's one uniform, and I have my uniform.
I think it's important to step into the unknown. I mean, I think everyone has very rational fears about the unknown. And that's why we all stay in our habits, whether they're good ones or bad, especially bad habits. Because even though we might know this is bad for us, it's the thing we know. And to do something else, even if it's good for you, it's not easy.
As I've grown up, I've started thinking about these things. The unknown is not scary. It's just unsure. I'm more confident, and I trust that the universe can take care of me if I just try to go with the flow. And the more I do jump into the unknown, the more I find it's been okay.
Is it brave? God, I don't know. I mean, people may define it that way. I have put myself in situations that people would think you'd have to be kind of brave. No moment is any more important than another. Nothing comes together, no Heaven, no Hell. Just moments.
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