God, I want to cut so damn bad.
I need to feel the blade slice my skin.
I want...
I need to see the blood flowing down my calves.
I've already carved the word "Fat" into my left calf.
I haven't cut since the 15th.
12 fucking days...
I wonder if God has forsaken me.
I find that I have to keep believing in Him.
Even if He has given up on me,
I have to hold on to something.
I wouldn't blame Him if He had deserted me.
I would have given up on me long ago.
However, I cannot let myself believe He's left me.
His love is eternal. This I must believe.
This has always been my sanctuary.
I am no enchantress.
Do not listen to me.
Listen through me.
No black clouds-just desert storms.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Of Fire
It's ebony-black outside.
Something has broken the stars.
They glitter in small delicate fragments.
Demons dance in my mind
But the voice is my own.
In this realm between worlds,
I remember the past in fiery sequences
Being twisted by force
Being shaken by wind
In a world where colours swirl and dance
Out of the shadows
And into the darkness
So different, yet the same
I'd rather be wrapped up in the storm
Facing the demons
Than in a life of false angels.
Something has broken the stars.
They glitter in small delicate fragments.
Demons dance in my mind
But the voice is my own.
In this realm between worlds,
I remember the past in fiery sequences
Being twisted by force
Being shaken by wind
In a world where colours swirl and dance
Out of the shadows
And into the darkness
So different, yet the same
I'd rather be wrapped up in the storm
Facing the demons
Than in a life of false angels.
Of Cleaning
For some unknown reason, I've been in a cleaning mood.
I cleaned/organised both my bedroom and bathroom...
The one thing I haven't done is dishes.
I should go do that.
It can be my way of paying my parents with something other than money.
My bank account is getting very low and until I get another job, I'm afraid to go anywhere.
Unless it's to apply for a job (which I'm doing tomorrow).
Well, I'm off to do the dishes!
I cleaned/organised both my bedroom and bathroom...
The one thing I haven't done is dishes.
I should go do that.
It can be my way of paying my parents with something other than money.
My bank account is getting very low and until I get another job, I'm afraid to go anywhere.
Unless it's to apply for a job (which I'm doing tomorrow).
Well, I'm off to do the dishes!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Of Frustration
I believe I am nearing my monthly cycle.
Unfortunately, unlike some, I have never lost mine, despite my weight loss.
How can I tell?
Lately, everything seems to irritate and annoy me.
I'm more tired than usual and sleeping later.
In other news, I've been fasting the past three days.
I haven't lost a damn thing.
What the fuck?!
Urgh...it's so frustrating.
If only my body didn't hold on to weight so easily...
Unfortunately, unlike some, I have never lost mine, despite my weight loss.
How can I tell?
Lately, everything seems to irritate and annoy me.
I'm more tired than usual and sleeping later.
In other news, I've been fasting the past three days.
I haven't lost a damn thing.
What the fuck?!
Urgh...it's so frustrating.
If only my body didn't hold on to weight so easily...
Monday, January 24, 2011
Of Poetry and Pain
Today on PT, a member posted a poem.
She didn't write it, but said it described her emotions.
I have decided to share it, because the words ring true:
Torment
A weight falls heavily upon me -
A steady pull inside my brain.
In one room I seek love and understanding -
In another I purge the guilt and pain.
My guilt never leaves.
The pain only deepens.
My life is a wild rotation from one room to the other,
Locked in a ceaseless circle of torment -
A game of chess I cannot win.
I stand up, throat on fire, head spinning, heart pounding;
Begging for an end, any end, to this hell.
I gaze into the mirror, wiping my mouth,
Wondering who I have become;
A drawn and pale face, dull, expressionless eyes.
I run my hands through my hair
Hoping it will quiet the screams in my head -
But it doesn't, and tomorrow the game will start again.
by Emilith
In other news, my feet were killing me today at around 07:15.
I walked up and down my stairs 40 times and around my house for an hour.
Then, I took a break and did laundry (which needed to be done badly).
My back is also in pain, and when I touch it, it feels almost numb.
Day one of my 5-day fast went well.
Four more to go.
I have yet to decide what I will treat myself to this weekend....
Perhaps a breadstick or some grilled toast?
In other news of poetry, here is a poem I wrote awhille back that truly describes my state of mind:
Frozen in the sun
Rays searing my skin
Smothering embrace
Battles raging from within
Frozen in the rain
Pain, longing to be free
Water drowning all reason
Do you really want to be me?
She didn't write it, but said it described her emotions.
I have decided to share it, because the words ring true:
Torment
A weight falls heavily upon me -
A steady pull inside my brain.
In one room I seek love and understanding -
In another I purge the guilt and pain.
My guilt never leaves.
The pain only deepens.
My life is a wild rotation from one room to the other,
Locked in a ceaseless circle of torment -
A game of chess I cannot win.
I stand up, throat on fire, head spinning, heart pounding;
Begging for an end, any end, to this hell.
I gaze into the mirror, wiping my mouth,
Wondering who I have become;
A drawn and pale face, dull, expressionless eyes.
I run my hands through my hair
Hoping it will quiet the screams in my head -
But it doesn't, and tomorrow the game will start again.
by Emilith
In other news, my feet were killing me today at around 07:15.
I walked up and down my stairs 40 times and around my house for an hour.
Then, I took a break and did laundry (which needed to be done badly).
My back is also in pain, and when I touch it, it feels almost numb.
Day one of my 5-day fast went well.
Four more to go.
I have yet to decide what I will treat myself to this weekend....
Perhaps a breadstick or some grilled toast?
In other news of poetry, here is a poem I wrote awhille back that truly describes my state of mind:
Frozen in the sun
Rays searing my skin
Smothering embrace
Battles raging from within
Frozen in the rain
Pain, longing to be free
Water drowning all reason
Do you really want to be me?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Of Fasting (Again)
I'm beginning my 5-day fast tomorrow.
I will not fail this time.
No matter what. I don't care if I have to flat-out say "No, I don't want it."
Damnit, I will make it to 70lbs.
I will not fail this time.
No matter what. I don't care if I have to flat-out say "No, I don't want it."
Damnit, I will make it to 70lbs.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Of Tests and Novel Writing
I just finished taking an online test to determine how depressed I am.
My results?
Major Depression: Very High
Dysthymia: High
Bipolar Disorder: Very High
Cyclothymia: Extremely High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A
I'm also working on my novel "Out of the Shadows".
I know I'll hit periods of writer's block, but I'm determined to finish it.
Here is the beginning of the first chapter.
Even in her sleep, Amelia could feel the cold breath of evil. It surrounded her, filling her lungs, suffocating her until she awoke, shaking and gasping for air. The silhouette was framed by the doorway for an instant before it slowly began its journey toward her. Fighting to stay calm, Amelia shut her eyes, hoping this was her vivid imagination playing tricks on her. She opened one dark green eye. The dark figure was still there, slowly closing in on her.
“Who-who are you?” she asked, her voice sounding much braver than she felt.
Silence.
She began shuffling backward until her back slammed into the headboard. She knew, with a sinking feeling, that even if she were to make a run for it, she would have nowhere to go. The figure raised its arm and before she even had time to feel completely terrified, she saw the glint of silver as the knife came down.
The icy blade pierced through her flesh and she screamed as the metal scraped the bone above her breast. She felt the hot spray of blood--her blood--on her throat and then all she knew before the darkness swelled around her and finally consumed her, was the face of the attacker.
It was her own.
My results?
Major Depression: Very High
Dysthymia: High
Bipolar Disorder: Very High
Cyclothymia: Extremely High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A
I'm also working on my novel "Out of the Shadows".
I know I'll hit periods of writer's block, but I'm determined to finish it.
Here is the beginning of the first chapter.
Even in her sleep, Amelia could feel the cold breath of evil. It surrounded her, filling her lungs, suffocating her until she awoke, shaking and gasping for air. The silhouette was framed by the doorway for an instant before it slowly began its journey toward her. Fighting to stay calm, Amelia shut her eyes, hoping this was her vivid imagination playing tricks on her. She opened one dark green eye. The dark figure was still there, slowly closing in on her.
“Who-who are you?” she asked, her voice sounding much braver than she felt.
Silence.
She began shuffling backward until her back slammed into the headboard. She knew, with a sinking feeling, that even if she were to make a run for it, she would have nowhere to go. The figure raised its arm and before she even had time to feel completely terrified, she saw the glint of silver as the knife came down.
The icy blade pierced through her flesh and she screamed as the metal scraped the bone above her breast. She felt the hot spray of blood--her blood--on her throat and then all she knew before the darkness swelled around her and finally consumed her, was the face of the attacker.
It was her own.
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