Adele, Anorexia, and Bulimia

Adele Laurie Blue Adkins (Adele) is one of my biggest inspirations. Right up there with Amy Lee, Bette Midler, Joan Jett, and Scarlett Pomers. Why? Because she, like the rest of these women, is a very talented vocalist. More than that, though, she is a bit on the heavier side, which singles her out among the others. She is not ashamed of her appareance (nor should she be) and she is happy with herself.

Now, my parents know everything, I've been diagnosed as having anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa on occasion, and I'm currently toying with the idea of recovery. I would love to be more like these women, but especially Adele. She is comfortable with herself and doesn't give a damn what people think. Is she happy every second of every day? No. No one is, and she is no exception. I'm currently writing a memoir of my struggle with the diseases, and I'll post an early draft as soon as I feel it is ready to be seen.

An update

So.....after sending the message to my Dad on Facebook Tuesday night about my ED and self-injury, I had a long and awkward talk with a doctor. He prescribed me antidepressants and referred me to a counselor. Fun times. Well, at least now they know, so I don't feel like I have to keep everything a secret anymore. I know I'll still hide things, but now I won't feel as compelled as I used to. Such a weight seems to have been lifted.

Confessions

I just wrote a letter to my Dad and sent it in a message on Facebook. In it, I explain all my ED and cutting issues. I'm so scared that he's going to look at me differently, be angry and hate me. I guess I'll know the outcome tomorrow.......So. Fucking. SCARED!!!

Bette Midler's 66th Birthday and other things

Well, yesterday was Bette Midler's birthday, and the sign of my ultimate failure. My goal was to lose 20lbs by December 1st..............I can't even fucking manage to do that. I'm so pathetic. I'm weak. Nothing.

The water is wide

The water is wide. I cannot get over, and neither have I wings to fly...

I loathe all I've become...

Does anybody?

Does anybody even notice? Does anybody even care?

Memories (song)

Written today, and finished a few minutes ago. Unlike most things, this was written with no particular person in mind.

Red and ebony black swirling in my mind
Waves from a stormy sea threaten to consume
I can feel that I’m running out of time
I know the end is coming soon

You left me here alone to die
Uncaring if I never breathe again
I won’t let go, I have to try
Struggling to the surface to feel the wind

These memories still haunt me
Your presence still torments me
Will I ever be set free
From these lingering memories?

These memories still call to me
I still see your face before me
Can anyone ever save me
From these everlasting memories?

My traitorous heart keeps me from feeling
I’m trapped in this eternal hell
A muted world, you can’t hear my screaming
Yet I hear the tolling of the bell

I search the mirror for a distant light
For something to save me from myself
All I see is the black of night
And the remains of my heart on an abandoned shelf

These memories still haunt me
Your presence still torments me
Will I ever be set free
From these lingering memories?

These memories still call to me
I still see your face before me
Can anyone ever save me
From these everlasting memories?