An update

So.....after sending the message to my Dad on Facebook Tuesday night about my ED and self-injury, I had a long and awkward talk with a doctor. He prescribed me antidepressants and referred me to a counselor. Fun times. Well, at least now they know, so I don't feel like I have to keep everything a secret anymore. I know I'll still hide things, but now I won't feel as compelled as I used to. Such a weight seems to have been lifted.

Confessions

I just wrote a letter to my Dad and sent it in a message on Facebook. In it, I explain all my ED and cutting issues. I'm so scared that he's going to look at me differently, be angry and hate me. I guess I'll know the outcome tomorrow.......So. Fucking. SCARED!!!

Bette Midler's 66th Birthday and other things

Well, yesterday was Bette Midler's birthday, and the sign of my ultimate failure. My goal was to lose 20lbs by December 1st..............I can't even fucking manage to do that. I'm so pathetic. I'm weak. Nothing.

The water is wide

The water is wide. I cannot get over, and neither have I wings to fly...

I loathe all I've become...

Does anybody?

Does anybody even notice? Does anybody even care?

Memories (song)

Written today, and finished a few minutes ago. Unlike most things, this was written with no particular person in mind.

Red and ebony black swirling in my mind
Waves from a stormy sea threaten to consume
I can feel that I’m running out of time
I know the end is coming soon

You left me here alone to die
Uncaring if I never breathe again
I won’t let go, I have to try
Struggling to the surface to feel the wind

These memories still haunt me
Your presence still torments me
Will I ever be set free
From these lingering memories?

These memories still call to me
I still see your face before me
Can anyone ever save me
From these everlasting memories?

My traitorous heart keeps me from feeling
I’m trapped in this eternal hell
A muted world, you can’t hear my screaming
Yet I hear the tolling of the bell

I search the mirror for a distant light
For something to save me from myself
All I see is the black of night
And the remains of my heart on an abandoned shelf

These memories still haunt me
Your presence still torments me
Will I ever be set free
From these lingering memories?

These memories still call to me
I still see your face before me
Can anyone ever save me
From these everlasting memories?

Don't You (song)

This was written the day after I saw Alan (my ex-fiance). Yes, I write from experience. Hope you enjoy.

It’s been so long, but I recognized your voice
I saw you again yesterday
Though it was always your choice
I never thought you would walk away

You didn’t notice me
I never dreamed it would hurt this way
I wonder, do you think of me?
All the memories came flooding back to me yesterday

Don’t you remember that you loved me?
Don’t you remember all of our plans?
Maybe I wasn’t what you wanted me to be
Maybe I just didn’t understand

Don’t you remember that you said forever?
Don’t you remember that you said until your dying day?
Tell the truth, it’s now or never
Don’t you remember the pain in my eyes yesterday?

With a heaviness in my heart
I turned away from you
Though we’ve both given new love a start
I can’t escape the hell you put me through

I’m through with looking back
You’ll no longer have this power over me
Dying as the past fades to black
Every now and then, please remember me